If it weren’t for Project Runway, I’m not so sure I would have caught wind of Top Chef‘s existence.  I probably would have fallen into watching this program pitting chef against chef some time close to the end of its run, like I did for Project Runway, but, thankfully, I was able to catch the first episode which premiered last Wednesday evening on Bravo.  Its permanent slot will remain Wednesday nights at 10pm EST/9pm CST.  I’ll be running a weekly commentary on the show and will detail who impressed me, who pissed me off, who sucks, and who doesn’t.

The opening episode, “Who Deserves to be Here,” introduced us to the initial dirty dozen who are going to make an attempt at impressing a panel hosted by (the seemingly lifeless) Katie Lee Joel.  She was a terrible choice for a host.  She may be a dedicated foodie, but, man, she can’t keep my attention for more than a second.  She looks like she’s reading off of cue cards and is having a difficult time doing so.  The panel of judges, however, seems to be pretty tough.  Gail Simmons, head of special projects for Food & Wine magazine, and Tom Colicchio, a self-taught chef and restaurateur extraordinaire, seem well-prepared to lay into some of the chefs who seem to think they are God’s gift to the culinary arts.  This first episode’s guest judge, Hubert Keller, chef and partner of Fleur de Lys, provided the dozen a much-needed kick to the pride.  I’ve been to military basic training and I know exactly what tactic was being employed to scare the pants off of the contestants.  To utterly disorient and humble the chefs, Chef Hubert, threw them into his kitchen and told them to work.  That was it: work.  Within minutes, chefs were dropping like flies in a cloud of bug spray.  There was dropped food, unsanitary shoes, jittery hands, and, most unbelievably, sauce contamination from finger licking tastiness.  Either way, this icebreaker only granted immunity to, if I recall correctly, Lee Ann Wong.  I might be wrong.

The actual first challenge truly weeded out some of the less professional chefs from the slicker ones.  I have no personal favorite chefs yet, but based on what I saw from this challenge, I would get behind Lee Ann Wong, Miguel Morales, and Harold Dieterle.  These three chefs seem to hold the greatest of promise to tough it out through the show’s run.  The screaming Irishman, Kenneth Lee, said bye-bye in a very quick manner after disrespecting Chef Keller, having a bout of Tourette’s syndrome while righting his blades, and by making a dish that, apparently, sucked.  Most of the other offerings seemed surprisingly decent.  I took great issue with Andrea Beaman’s slop on a plate.  I’ve had dishes made by goofball cooks (NOT chefs) in Portland (most notably a Thai peanut stir-fry comprised mostly of undercooked kale covered in a curry {?} sauce and a fake chicken fried steak that tasted like sand that was covered by a vegan gravy that was lumpy and seemingly devoid of salt) and I know where Andrea is coming from.  She is all about healthier choices, which I am for as well, but she fails in every aspect of cookery and presentation.  The combination of her selections didn’t make sense and seemed to come from a limited library of mental recipes.  I could see the wheels churning, “Hmmm, what should my first dish be?  I know!  I’ll do my stir-fry with plum sauce, my slaw with tahini, and serve it on brown rice!” Bollocks.  I do have pity for Andrea, though, not because she has her work cut out for her – that’s a given for Top Chef – but because she has to breathe the same air and share the same space with Stephen Asprinio.  How can I fully describe Stephen?  Pompous?  Yep.  Skilled?  I’ll reserve comment.  Nice?  Not really.  Bullshit artist?  YES!  I’m sure I’ll have more on this kid-sommelier in the coming weeks.

So, who took the challenge?  One of my choices, Harold Dieterle, did.  He made a rather drab looking, but, apparently, truly succulent steamed Thai snapper.  Bravo Harold!  Check out the winning dish here.

The next to be chopped?  My guess is: “I’m so hot!” Candice Kumai.

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