Finally, Stephen gets talked down to by someone possibly even more pompous than he!  You don’t know how elated I was when Stephen was called in as one of the bottom three after the main challenge and was basically told that he should be hitting the road along with the other two.  Alas, though, only one could be picked and it was Candice.  Yes, she finally bit the dust, but methinks she was only half sad to leave after having seen Stephen get berated by Tom Colicchio, Gail Simmons, and guest judge (and guest pompous ass…), Jefferson Hill of Neiman Marcus’ Rotunda.  Farewell, Candice.  Now on to the spam and chips…..

The quickfire challenge proved to be the more entertaining challenge of episode 4.  The contestants were herded up and basically dropped in front of a gas station convenience store.  They were told to have at it and figure out something good to make.  Of course, Stephen ran around looking for a decent bottle of wine or champagne.  Is this guy for real?!?!  What world does he live in that his convenience stores carry somewhat decent wine?  I just couldn’t believe it.  And his dish: utter minimalist garbage.  He looked like he took one of my daughter’s paintbrushes and painted chunky paint on a plate.  Technical ability is good, but when you don’t have it, you hide it by serving bullshit disguised as “art.” Everyone else, besides Dave (who basically reheated his burrito and cinnamon roll and presented it as such…), did fairly well in their quick-stop choices.  The dishes ended up looking pretty delicious to me (although I was hoping for a food fight between Tiffani and Miguel using their differing versions of bread pudding), considering the crap they used and where the crap came from.  I agreed that Lee Anne’s spedieni (read: grilled cheese) looked the most delicious and it, apparently, tasted pretty good according to Jefferson Hill.  Jefferson had some pretty terse words for most of the rest of the chefs.  He really didn’t like many of the offerings, but I think he doesn’t like much of anything anyway.  Chef Hill was very dismissive and very quick to judge.  This could be a sign of an acutely skilled chef.  Or…it could be a clue that he’s a jerk.  Who knows.  Either way, Lee Anne ran with the immunity for this episode.

The main challenge was a branch off of the quickfire challenge in that the chefs had 90 minutes to prepare a dish to be microwaved the following day for a panel made up of members of the Junior League.  This is tough.  No, this is super tough.  Has anyone tried to reheat most leftovers and felt like the food was just as amazing as it was the minute it came off the stove the day before?  Rarely.  Pizza loses basically everything.  Breads and pastries?  Fuggetaboudit!  Dense meats (such as Miguel’s meatloaf)?  Hot on the outside, cold on the in!  This was an incredibly difficult challenge that put everyone into panic mode.  What so many of the chefs seem to forget behind all the fancy foodie speak and artistic presentations is that food is supposed to be good under any of a dizzying array of circumstances whether they be microwaved, served to children, or created for an assisted living center!  Again, the “pros” (Tiffani, Harold, and, maybe, Stephen) looked disgusted at what they were being put through.  Poor babies!  They whined about the circumstances, about the time, and about the act of presentation in front of the Junior League.  Harold especially pissed me off with his “I’m a behind the scenes kind of guy.” WHAT?!?!  Were you dragged on to Top Chef by someone?  As far as I know, this is a voluntary show and if you’re a behind the scenes kind of chef (a chef, by his or her very nature, is presenting themselves on that plate…not very under-the-radar), you shouldn’t have signed on!  I really expected Lisa to run with this as she had for the kiddie meal in the last episode, but she fell hard, indeed.  Her chicken was apparently too herby.  I’ve had excessively herby chicken (yes, made by me quite a few years ago….) and, let me tell you, it’s foul.  In addition to this, microwaving chicken is a bad, bad idea.  They are extremely prone to dryness and even crisp, platic-like edges if excessively warmed in a microwave.  I felt that Tiffani and Harold had made terrible choices in their seafood-based dishes, but I was wrong.  I’ve had a few seafood dishes (i.e. gumbo) reheated and they were such terrible experiences that I haven’t done it again since.  The Junior Leaguers loved Harold’s coconut seafood soup with pea-shoot biscuit.  Harold even brought out some inkling of a personality, as well.  It was actually weird to see him smile and act like he was comfortable (the key word there is “act”).  Tiffani’s mirin glazed sea bass was very well received, too.  Apparently, as Tom Colicchio’s blog states, she made a good move by using a fish with a high fat content to keep it moist.

Stephen’s fusion of Japanese and Mexican cuisine was awful.  It looked awful and didn’t taste good, as judged by the faces of the Junior Leaguers.  He tried to cover for his extremely weak dish by instructing the ladies in the culinary artistry of his bullshit.  He talked and talked and talked and said not one thing.  The crowd (including Tom Colicchio) seemed to be getting very fed up with the condescending adult:child teaching style that Stephen employs.  In doing this, though, he incurred the wrath of Tom, which was just beautiful television in action.  I wished he had been chopped off, but Stephen’s humiliation is enough to assuage my animosity towards him for now.  Lisa was criticized for her medicinal chicken and Candice failed utterly with her quiche.  So go the losers.  Good luck Candice, I was starting to like you a little bit.

Tiffani took the challenge with her sea bass.  I’m still not a fan of hers, but she seemed to warm up a bit this episode.  She still seems like a grumpy troll, though.  To my surprise, Andrea did well and Dave picked up the speed for the main challenge, which is good for him.  By the way, why in the world is Andrea so concerned with everyone’s pooping?  If anyone even mentions that word in the kitchen, I feel like I need to shower.  I understand her concern for general health, but, Jesus, lay off the poop talk!  Miguel’s offer was so-so…nothing amazing or terrible.

So, another week and Stephen is still around, but the question is: what about next week?  I have a feeling that this may not be his one and only stumble into culinary awfulness.  One can only pray.

Next week: one of the “pros” gets axed.  Guaranteed.

Also, just a word of advice, someone at Bravo needs to hire a plank of plywood since it would be a far more interesting and engaging host.  Katie Lee Joel looks like Laura Bush in her “I’m on SO much Xanax” kind of way.  It’s tiring.

Bon appetit!

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